


Lean On Me

by missrhondalee



Category: The Exorcist (1973)
Genre: 1970s, Crisis of Faith, Drama, F/M, Grief/Mourning, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Loneliness, Romance, Washington D.C.
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-05
Updated: 2020-08-05
Packaged: 2021-03-06 00:49:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,394
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25724644
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/missrhondalee/pseuds/missrhondalee
Summary: Chris MacNeil leans on Father Karras after Regan's passing.
Relationships: Chris MacNeil/Damien Karras
Comments: 2
Kudos: 2





	Lean On Me

**Author's Note:**

> I think I needed to get this out of my system. I've started seeing 'The Exorcist' in a different light two years ago when I realized Chris and Karras had potential somehow. (which is crazy I know, since he's a priest.) 
> 
> Lockdown is getting to me so please bear with me, as I share a product of my insanity with you.

The funeral service had lasted over two hours. Damien Karras had to be here, after all he was the reason Regan MacNeil was buried underneath the earth, laid to rest for all eternity. Chris MacNeil, her mother, whom begged him to save her daughter when after going to eighty eight doctors Damien had been her last hope, had asked him if she was going to die. He'd assured her she would not. Obviously, his faith had deceived him once more. What did he expect? He wasn't there to see his mother die, he'd left her all by herself. Did he honestly think he wasn't going to pay for this?

He'd been struggling with his mother's well being for so long, trying to do his best. Damien didn't want her on her own, she was frail and needed assistance. He'd wanted to put her in a private hospital but it was so expensive and he could barely make ends meet as it was. His uncle, his mother's brother, had found a place to stay for her. A mental institution had agreed to take her in but the idea of seeing his mother with those psychiatric patients made his stomach churn. Even more after seeing his mother sobbing, begging him to take her home. And so that was what he did, he took her back to her house and he'd left her to die all alone. It even took days for her landlord to find her after one of the neighbors complained about her radio being on 24/7. Ever since her passing, he'd started drinking and smoking heavily, sinking every day more into serious depression. So when he learned someone needed his help, even more when he found out it was Chris' twelve year old daughter, so a child, he thought life was giving him a second chance. As even though he hadn't been there for his mother, hadn't been able to save her. Perhaps, he would be able to save Regan. But the universe had spat in his face again, and the fact that he hadn't blown his brains out by now was nothing short of miraculous.

If he already felt unspeakably guilty for what happened to his mother, it was nothing compared to how he felt about Regan MacNeil. Her mother had trusted him, depended on him to save her and she was dead. Father Merrin had also died during the failed exorcism, the intense stress gave him a heart attack. Three people died because of him. At this point, why was he still holding on? Was he afraid to die? Most likely. Was he afraid of what the spirits planned for him once he would? Certainly. Or was he trying to see if he couldn't save the last person remaining?

  


Damien Karras took a deep breath wiping his tears. Sharon, Chris and himself were the last ones to leave. Everyone else was gone, including Karl and Willie, Chris' housekeepers. Sharon Spencer sniffled loudly and knelt down in front of her friend. It was starting to rain and if they didn't leave soon, they'd find themselves drenched within minutes. "Honey," she said softly, removing her friend's hands so she could see her red and puffy face. "let's take you back to the hotel. What do you say?" The hotel where Chris was staying ever since her daughter died. After everything that's happened, only being in that house was simply torture. Both emotional and physical.

Chris shook her head, "I want to stay here." she wanted to stay close to her daughter.

"I can' t leave her."

"It's starting to rain-"

"I'm not leaving her!" she snapped screaming, sobbing so hard she was practically suffocating. Sharon turned to Father Karras for help.

"Regan will be with you wherever you will be now. She's watching over you." he placed a comforting hand on her shoulder.

"I don't want to go back to the hotel." she told them, once she was able to articulate properly again.

"Where do you want to go then?"

Chris wasn't answering, instead she just kept on crying. If they stayed in the pouring rain much longer, they'd all end up getting pneumonia. Damien offered her to stay at his place for the evening. She'd just buried her child and leaving her by herself in a hotel room didn't feel right. Actually, it made him feel quite rotten and if he felt guilty now it would be nothing compared to how he'd feel later tonight when he knew she'd be all alone. If he didn't do this, he knew he'd end up driving in the middle of the night just to check up on her. At least, if she stayed with him, he could keep an eye on her at all times.

"Do you want to stay with Father Karras?"

All she knew was that she didn't want to be alone. Chris rose from the uncomfortable white plastic chair and wiped her tears repeatedly. "Are you sure I can stay with you?'' after all, he was a priest and she didn't want her presence to cause any kind of trouble. Instead of giving her a verbal answer, Damien wrapped an arm around her shoulders. If Chris obviously couldn't be by herself tonight, neither could he and maybe each other's company would ease their indescribable pain just a little.

  
  


It was past eight o'clock when they made their way to his room at the Jesuit Residence Hall. Chris had managed to stop crying but she knew it surely wouldn't last long. She followed him and watched as Damien retrieved his key from his pocket. She stepped inside as he unlocked the door. He made a face and hurried to clean up the mess. Clothes here and there, paper plates. "Sorry." he handed her a towel to dry herself off. "You can take your coat off." and she did.

"Where are you going to sleep?" she asked when he offered she has his bed for the night.

"Uh. Don't worry about it. I'll figure something out."

"I'm imposing on you."

He laid a comforting hand on her shoulder when he noticed her trembling lower lip. "No. No, you're not."

She sniffed loudly and asked him if she could use his bathroom. "Of course."

"I'll just be a minute."

"Take your time."

And she had. Chris reappeared twenty minutes later. He was actually about to knock on the door because he was getting worried. What if she'd try and hurt herself? What if she killed herself and he wouldn't have been able to save her either? Now he knew if that happened, he'd definitely pull the trigger. Chris stood before him, looking so miserable it hurt to even look at her. Losing a family member was emotionally tough. But losing your own child? He doubted there was a greater pain than this and she'd gone through it twice. Of course being a priest, he'd never know but he didn't have to go through it to understand it. "Sorry. I only meant to stay a minute."

"That's all right. Can I get you anything?" he glanced around the room and then inside his fridge realizing he didn't have anything to eat but stale cookies and pasta he'd cooked the night before. He offered to step out for a minute to get her something more appropriate but she turned him down. "I'm not hungry."

She did however notice his bottle of scotch on his desk and he would be lying to himself if he hadn't wanted to start drinking the second they stepped inside. As he was pouring them each a glass, Chris sank to the floor. She wasn't feeling well and even standing up required efforts. She looked white as a sheet so maybe drinking right now wouldn't be the best thing but he wasn't going to say anything, even more when he watched her drink the glass in one single gulp.

She burst into tears suddenly and he was by her side immediately. The universe had already took her son, now it had taken her sweet girl as well. If only it would take her too so her suffering could end once and for all. She was asking for her daughter and the harder she cried, the more it physically hurt him.

"Please, bring her back." she literally begged and if you knew her, how sophisticated she was being an actress loved by millions, it was a very disturbing sight. But actress or not, she was just human. "Bring her back."

Tears blurred his vision as he watched her lie on the floor in a fetal position when he reluctantly replied he sadly couldn't. Seeing her hurting like this was unbearable and he found himself compelled to comfort her. He took her in his arms and let her cry. Damien stroked her hair as she sobbed quietly and he was somehow relieved when after the longest time, she'd managed to fall asleep. Chris hadn't been able to sleep at all since Regan's passing five days ago and her extreme exhaustion had finally caught up with her.

  


She woke up the next morning in Damien's bed. She knew she drank last night but it had only been one glass which meant she'd definitely remember if she'd not only got into bed but took her shoes off. She had no recollection of doing either so she understood Father Karras had done it for her. She groaned as the sun shone in her face and as she shielded herself from it, she heard a familiar voice calling her name.

"Hello." Damien hadn't really slept he just kept nodding on and off throughout the night and she somehow sensed it. His demeanor spoke volume on how he'd most likely spent the night. "How are you feeling?"

"Like I'm in a nightmare that I'll never wake up from."

Chris groaned as she reluctantly got out of bed. Her hair was a complete mess, she had a throbbing headache and she'd slept in her clothes so she felt dirty. She felt uncomfortable asking him if she could use his shower so she decided against it.

"What time is it?"

Damien glanced at his watch, "Seven thirty-five."

"I should get going." she said reluctantly putting her shoes back on. "Thank you for letting me stay here." only the thought of being all alone in that hotel room again was enough to make her start crying. She wiped at her eyes quickly but she cried harder as he walked up to her. "I don't think I can do this again." she'd survived Jamie's death, her eldest son but life putting her though this again? She knew she didn't have it in her to go on. "I'm scared."

"I know. You can call me whenever you need to." he pointed at the telephone.

"Even in the middle of the night?"

"Even in the middle of the night."

Without a second's thought, she wrapped her arms around his neck. She knew he would be there if she needed him and for a minute, it made her feel less alone.

  
  


Sharon had convinced her to finally go back to the house. After all, although she could obviously afford it, she couldn't stay in a hotel forever. But it wasn't because she was staying at the house again that she wanted to be here. She didn't and every time she passed by her daughter's now boarded up room, she ended up having panic attacks. The only reason she'd made it here for the last couple of days was because she'd called Father Karras every night since she left his place. He would listen to her as she cried for hours on end from midnight to sometimes the wee hours of the morning. It has been almost two weeks since Regan's passing and in all this time, she doubted she'd even spent an hour without crying. She wondered if she'd eventually run out of tears. Was that even a possibility? Sharon tried to be here as much as possible, putting her own personal life on the side to help her longtime friend. They were supposed to stay in Washington only a couple of weeks to film those scenes at Georgetown university but now it has been almost three months and Sharon had a family to go back to. 'I think it's time we went home to Los Angeles.' she tried explaining that she had certain obligations she needed to attend back home but Chris would hear nothing of it. She rose from her chair quickly and started getting agitated when Sharon insisted they had to go back.

"I can't leave Georgetown, Regan's here."

They began fighting when Chris repeated she wasn't going anywhere.

"But you told me you couldn't live here anymore."

"I meant I can't stay in this house. I didn't mean I wanted to leave Washington."

Sharon stammered, "B-But your life's in LA."

"What life?! My daughter's dead!" she shot crying, "I have nothing to live for anymore."

There was a pause and although Sharon felt tears gather in the corners of her eyes, she didn't let them fall. The women stared at each other silently but staying here was becoming more overwhelming as the seconds passed by and Sharon sighed loudly watching her friend storm out of the house.

  


Chris MacNeil found herself standing in front of Damien Karras' door an hour later. He didn't live far from her house but she had trouble concentrating these days and she'd taken a wrong turn here and there. She really couldn't be alone tonight so she started crying when she realized he wasn't in his room. Instead of going home, which was the very last thing she wanted, she sat on the floor and opted to wait until he'd come home. The universe must have been on her side for once when she saw Damien walking up to her just ten minutes later. Damien loved sports, he used to be a boxer, hell he even competed in the Golden Gloves tournaments. He still practiced today but he'd added running as well. And after losing his mother, even before that but mostly after her death, and now Regan's death running had become his oxygen. His way of letting go of all his anger and frustrations. Just as he was wiping his face off with the white towel resting on his shoulders, he finally spotted Chris MacNeil sitting on the floor next to his door.

They looked at each other silently.

His heart sank as he watched her cry, "How long have you been waiting for me?"

  
  


"I can't be alone tonight." Chris MacNeil told Damien Karras now.

He was confused, she wasn't alone. She was back at the house now with her friend Sharon and her housekeepers, wasn't she? "Talking on the phone isn't enough."

She tried telling him that she needed more tonight. Okay, he hadn't planned for her to stay over again even more so when he really needed to shower but he couldn't just send her back to her house. He had to help her, not only because he was a priest but because it was his fault if she'd lost Regan to begin with. He let her inside and closed the door. "You can stay over. It's all right."

He scratched his head, "I need to take a shower but why don't you listen to the radio in the meantime?" he even turned it on for her. "Help yourself to whatever is in the fridge." he nodded when she thanked him and she watched him head for the bathroom. He closed the door, at least he thought he did, and then began undressing himself and Chris realized the door was ajar when she heard the water running. Damien liked hot, even scalding, water and so the room was steamed within minutes. Chris knew she shouldn't peek. After all, Father Karras was the last person she should ogle at given his status but she couldn't help herself. Let's be real, before being a priest, he was a human being. And a damn good looking one. The steam made it hard to see him properly but she could still distinguish the shapes of his body. She found herself standing in his doorway and it took a minute or two until he became aware that she was in the room. Damien managed to wrap a towel around his waist quickly as she stepped dangerously closer to him. He knew she'd seen a lot more than what he wanted and that made him feel sensations in some parts of his body he'd crossed off ever feeling again. It was already tough in a normal time to avoid all the temptations nowadays as every time he'd turn his head there was an advert for either lingerie or women posing in provocative postures but now the temptation was inches from him and the closer she was stepping, the bigger the sensations were growing. It was even harder considering he'd been struggling with his faith for so long and what was happening felt like another sign he wasn't cut out for this.

He cleared his throat, "Why don't you wait for me in the other room-"

"I can't be alone." Damien's world as he knew it turned upside down within seconds as he felt her hands tugging at the front of his towel as she kissed his chin then brushed her lips against his. Finally after what felt like an eternity, although it had only been less than a minute, he found the strength to gently push her away. He had one hand securing the towel around his waist and the other holding her away from him.

"I can't do this. We can't do this. You know that."

Of course she knew but she wouldn't hear it. She also couldn't think straight at the moment so she tried again. "Please."

He stammered, to say he was beyond uncomfortable would be a major understatement, "I think I should take you home."

She shook her head crying, refusing to listen. "Please." her hands found the front of the towel again as she kissed him full on the lips and Damien held her away from him again firmly this time.

"Christine!" he snapped using her full name, the first time since he'd even met her. He panted trying to dismiss the unholy thoughts that was going through his mind at the moment. 'That's enough now.'

There was a pause and Chris sobbed louder as now to top it all off, she'd never felt so embarrassed in her life. She came on to a priest!

"I can't be here for you in this...way. I'm sorry."

She found herself unable to breathe properly now. She was sobbing so hard she couldn't articulate anymore. His heart broke as he watched her sink to the floor.

Again, although he was still only wearing the towel around his waist, he felt compelled to comfort her and so, as he knelt down, he enveloped her in a warm embrace. He stroked her hair as she sobbed quietly. Damien racked his brains trying to find something to say that would ease her pain but he came up with absolutely nothing. Usually, he was good at finding the proper words but given the situation that the universe had put him through just minutes earlier, his mind was blank. Chris buried her head in his chest and he let her cry.

  
  


Damien Karras sat at the church several days later. He'd been here since seven this morning and it was almost one o'clock now. He found himself at a crossroads and he didn't know what he should do anymore. After what happened with Chris MacNeil the other night, he was ashamed of himself. He felt like he'd deceived the Lord but in a way, he also doubted his master's existence. Should he go on? Devoting himself to the church like he had for all of these years? Or should he just give it all up and lead a regular life without purpose and meaning? It has been almost four days since he took Chris home after she'd come on to him. The poor woman had been in such emotional pain, she'd sobbed all the way to her house. He'd felt terrible for turning her down and he felt even worse now as he'd been avoiding her phone calls every night since. She did ask him if she could still call him and she was sobbing so hard, he didn't have the heart to tell her it would maybe be best if they kept their distances from now on, if maybe she'd find another priest to confide in. Instead, he'd lied to her not to hurt her feelings even more. Now he knew lying was a sin but since he was struggling with his faith these days and after all that's happened, he knew he was most likely going to hell so one more sin didn't really matter to him at this point. As he buried his head in his hands, praying silently to himself, he heard someone call his name from behind.

"Father Karras?"

He looked up, turning his head around slightly.

Sharon Spencer stood before him holding her purse with both hands.

"Father Dryer told me I'd find you here."

Damien took a deep breath nodding, "Hello, Sharon. How are you?"

Sharon sniffed loudly, trying not to cry. "Well, Father, I've had better days."

"It's been tough. It still is." she couldn't help but sit beside him, "Oh, Father, I'm so worried. I don't know what to do." she told him how Chris' behavior was incredibly worrisome and she was terrified something was going to happen.

"Regan was such a lovely girl. She brought so much joy wherever she went." she even went as far as retrieving a picture from her purse to show him. The picture had been taken a year ago or so when she, Regan and Chris had decided to spend a girly day at the beach back in LA. "I'm so worried Chris is going to hurt herself. Regan was her world."

Sharon felt tears rolling down her cheeks but she wiped them quickly.

"I feel like I have to watch her constantly. She's become so unpredictable these days."

"I don't know what to do anymore and I need your help." Chris hadn't told her anything that's happened between she and Damien because she was so unbelievably mortified and at the moment, Father Karras felt somewhat relieved.

However, Damien knew she was lonely and of course that didn't excuse her behavior but everyone was allowed weak moments now and then and ignoring her phone calls like he did had not only been terribly unjust but down right cruel. Especially when she needed someone to lean on so much. He was responsible for everything and he'd abandoned her? Now he was sure, he wasn't worthy of being a priest.

"Please, help us. Or we're going to lose her, too." and that he knew, it couldn't happen.

Damien held her trembling hand as she wiped her tears with the other, assuring her he would do everything in his power with hopefully the help of the Lord's to help get them through this horrendous turn of events.

Chris MacNeil was sitting in the park near her house waiting for him. Sharon had let her know that Father Karras wanted to see her and she honestly didn't know how to feel about it. She wasn't upset that he hadn't answered her calls, she knew why and although it has been days, she was still as mortified as when he'd turned her down. The last couple of days had honestly been incredibly tough to get through and she's lost count to how many times she ended up getting physically sick. Regan's death obviously reminded her of Jamie's years prior and Chris wondered why she was still here at this point. Sharon was right to worry because she knew she was days from ending it all. Therefore, she knew why Father Karras was coming to see her. She knew her best friend and she knew she must have probably begged him. She couldn't blame her because Chris knew if the roles were reversed, she'd have done the same exact thing. Although it was the middle of May, Washington's weather wasn't the best and she was wearing a coat and a scarf. She also wore sunglasses. The last thing she wanted was to deal with annoying fans bothering her. Especially now, when she'd never felt so rotten in her entire existence. As she dabbed beneath her eyes with her handkerchief, she heard a familiar voice calling her name.

She looked up slowly, "Hello."

"Thank you for meeting with me." he wouldn't have blamed her if she had refused to come after he'd been avoiding her.

He began apologizing for not returning her phone calls. "You needed assistance and I wasn't there. I'm sorry."

She could barely look at him but she waved his apology. "I should be the one apologizing. My behavior that night was inexcusable."

She let him sit beside her on the wooden bench, "Everyone has weak moments now and then."

"Even so. I'm very sorry." she sobbed, finally managing to look at him. "I'm just so lonely."

He took her trembling hand in his, "Although Regan is physically gone, her spirit lives on."

"What if I'm not mentally strong enough to go on? What if I never learn to live with it? What if I feel like this forever?" it had taken her at least an entire year until she stopped crying every day about Jamie's death. She and Regan were so close, like an unbreakable bound that the universe still managed to destroy. She feared she would never recover from her daughter's death.

"You will feel like this for quite a while. But one day, the sun will shine again."

"I have had rough days since my mother's passing and I know I will have them again once in a while. But I dare to hope there are still good things coming our way."

She shrugged, "How can we be sure?"

"That's the thing. We can't. But we've got to have faith."

He wrapped an around her as she buried her face in his chest.

"We've got to have faith."


End file.
